At the beginning of your upkeep, you may say "Ach! Hans, run! It's the . . ." and the name of a creature card. If you do, search your library for a card with that name, put it onto the battlefield, then shuffle. That creature gains haste. Exile it at the beginning of the next end step.

Exile target attacking creature. Then remove it from the game. Then put it into the absolutely-removed-from-the-freaking-game-forever zone.

{T}, Sacrifice Ashnod's Coupon: Target player gets you target drink. You pay any costs for the drink.

Trample

Whenever a player casts a spell, put a chip counter on its mana value.

B-I-N-G-O gets +9/+9 for each set of three numbers in a row with chip counters on them.

{1}{B}, Growl: Regenerate Bad Ass.

Madness {R}, cycling {1}{R}, kicker {2}{R}, flashback {3}{R}, buyback {4}{R}

Blast from the Past deals 2 damage to any target. If this spell was kicked, create a 1/1 red Goblin creature token.

Bloodfell Caves enters the battlefield tapped.

When Bloodfell Caves enters the battlefield, you gain 1 life.

{T}: Add {B} or {R}.

When the names of three or more nonland permanents begin with the same letter, sacrifice Bloodletter. If you do, it deals 2 damage to each creature and each player.

Whenever you cast a spell, you may gain ½ life for each word in that spell's name.

Spells you cast cost {1} less to cast.

You must speak in a voice other than your normal voice.

When you speak in your normal voice, sacrifice Bronze Calendar.

Pursuant to subsection 3.1(4) of Richard's Rules of Order, at the beginning of the upkeep of each participant in this game of the Magic: The Gathering® trading card game (hereafter known as "PLAYER"), that PLAYER performs all actions in the sequence of previously added actions (hereafter known as "ACTION QUEUE"), in the order those actions were added, then adds another action to the end of the ACTION QUEUE. All actions must be simple physical or verbal actions that a player can perform while sitting in a chair, without jeopardizing the health and security of said PLAYER.

When any PLAYER does not perform all the prescribed actions in the correct order, sacrifice Bureaucracy and said PLAYER discards their complement of cards in hand (hereafter known as "HAND").

Whenever any player taps a permanent, that player chooses one of their opponents. The chosen player gains control of that permanent at the beginning of the next end step.

At the beginning of each player's end step, if that player didn't tap any nonland permanents that turn, Burning Cinder Fury of Crimson Chaos Fire deals 3 damage to that player.

As Charm School enters the battlefield, choose a color and balance Charm School on your head.

Prevent all damage that would be dealt to you by sources of the chosen color.

When Charm School falls off your head, sacrifice Charm School.

Spells you cast cost {½} less to cast.

At the beginning of your upkeep, roll a six-sided die. If you roll a 6, sacrifice Chicken Egg and create a 4/4 red Giant Bird creature token.

Trample

When Child of Alara dies, destroy all nonland permanents. They can't be regenerated.

Whenever a player casts a spell without asking your permission while casting it, counter that spell.

When a player asks you permission to cast a spell and you refuse, counter that spell and sacrifice Common Courtesy.

Gotcha -- If an opponent says "creature" or "guy," you may say "Gotcha!" When you do, return Creature Guy from your graveyard to your hand.

Enchant creature

Curse of the Fire Penguin consumes and confuses enchanted creature.

Trample

When this creature dies, return Curse of the Fire Penguin to the battlefield.

Deal Damage deals 4 damage to any target.

Gotcha -- If an opponent says "deal" or "damage," you may say "Gotcha!" When you do, return Deal Damage from your graveyard to your hand.

Flying

When Double Header enters the battlefield, you may return target permanent with a two-word name to its owner's hand.

As Drawn Together enters the battlefield, choose an artist.

Creatures with art by the chosen artist get +2/+2.

Destroy target creature with reminder text. (Reminder text is any italicized text in parentheses that explains rules you already know.)

Elvish House Party's power and toughness are each equal to the current hour, using the twelve-hour system.

As Elvish Impersonators enters the battlefield, roll a six-sided die twice. Its base power becomes the first result and its base toughness becomes the second result.

Players play a Magic subgame under the table, starting at 5 life and using their libraries as their decks. The winner searches their library for two cards, puts those cards into their hand, then shuffles.

{T}, Sacrifice Evolving Wilds: Search your library for a basic land card, put it onto the battlefield tapped, then shuffle.

You and target creature's controller have a staring contest. If you win, destroy that creature.

You and target opponent play a best two-out-of-three Rock, Paper, Scissors match. If you win, Face to Face deals 5 damage to that player.

As Farewell to Arms enters the battlefield, choose a hand attached to an opponent's arm.

When the chosen hand isn't behind its owner's back, sacrifice Farewell to Arms. If you do, that player discards their hand . . . of cards. (The lawyers wouldn't let us do it the other way.)

Fat Ass gets +2/+2 and has trample as long as you're eating. (Gum isn't food. We checked.)

Counter target spell unless its controller pays {3}{½}.

({T}: Add {G}.)

({T}: Add {G}.)

({T}: Add {G}.)

({T}: Add {G}.)

({T}: Add {G}.)

Enchant creature

Enchanted creature loses all abilities and is a Bird creature with base power and toughness 1/1.

{G}, {T}: Return target card with a ½ on it from your graveyard to your hand.

Protection from wordy (Something is wordy if it has four or more lines of rules text.)

When Free-for-All enters the battlefield, exile all creatures face down.

At the beginning of each player's upkeep, that player chooses a card exiled with Free-for-All at random and puts it onto the battlefield.

When Free-for-All leaves the battlefield, put all cards exiled with it into their owners' graveyards.

Exile all lands. Give each player a number of those cards chosen at random equal to the number of those cards the player controlled. Each player returns those cards to the battlefield under their control.

{2}, {T}: Move a counter from one permanent onto another. If the second permanent refers to any kind of counter, the moved counter becomes one of those counters. Otherwise, it becomes a +1/+1 counter.

You choose all targets for all spells and abilities.

As Gluetius Maximus enters the battlefield, an opponent chooses one of your fingers. (Thumbs are fingers, too.)

When the chosen finger isn't touching Gluetius Maximus, sacrifice Gluetius Maximus.

{R}, {T}: Reflip any coin or reroll any die. (Activate only any time it makes sense.)

If Goblin Bowling Team would deal damage to a permanent or player, it deals that much damage plus the result of a six-sided die roll to that permanent or player instead.

When you speak, sacrifice Goblin Mime.

You gain life equal to your age.

Roll a six-sided die. Target creature gets +X/+X until end of turn, where X is the result.

({T}: Add {U}.)

({T}: Add {U}.)

({T}: Add {U}.)

({T}: Add {U}.)

({T}: Add {U}.)

({T}: Add {U}.)

{T}: Roll a six-sided die. This ability has the indicated effect.

1 -- Sacrifice Jack-in-the-Mox and you lose 5 life.

2 -- Add {W}.

3 -- Add {U}.

4 -- Add {B}.

5 -- Add {R}.

6 -- Add {G}.

Flying

As Jumbo Imp enters the battlefield, roll a six-sided die. Jumbo Imp enters the battlefield with a number of +1/+1 counters on it equal to the result.

At the beginning of your upkeep, roll a six-sided die and put a number of +1/+1 counters on Jumbo Imp equal to the result.

At the beginning of your end step, roll a six-sided die and remove a number of +1/+1 counters from Jumbo Imp equal to the result.

Jungle Hollow enters the battlefield tapped.

When Jungle Hollow enters the battlefield, you gain 1 life.

{T}: Add {B} or {G}.

Flying

Spells cast by players wearing at least one item of women's clothing cost {1} less to cast. (You can define women's clothing as you see fit. Be reasonable.)

Search your library for a basic land card, put that card onto the battlefield tapped, then shuffle. If you sang a song the whole time you were searching and shuffling, you may untap that land.

Choose a land type. Exile all lands you control of that type. Drop those cards, one at a time, onto the playing area from a height of at least one foot. Destroy each permanent completely covered by those cards. Then return the cards you dropped to the battlefield tapped.

Gotcha -- If an opponent laughs, you may say "Gotcha!" When you do, return Laughing Hyena from your graveyard to your hand.

When Letter Bomb enters the battlefield, sign it and shuffle it into target player's library. That player reveals each card they draw until they draw Letter Bomb. When that player draws Letter Bomb, it deals 19½ damage to them.

{1}: Flip a coin. If you win the flip, add {C}{C}. Activate only as an instant.

Choose a nonland card name, then reveal the top card of your library. If that card has the chosen name, you draw three cards.

As Monkey Monkey Monkey enters the battlefield, choose a letter.

Monkey Monkey Monkey gets +1/+1 for each nonland permanent whose name begins with the chosen letter.

({T}: Add {R}.)

({T}: Add {R}.)

({T}: Add {R}.)

({T}: Add {R}.)

({T}: Add {R}.)

({T}: Add {R}.)

({T}: Add {R}.)

({T}: Add {R}.)

Choose target opponent and target creature they control. You and that player have a breath-holding contest. If you win, you gain control of that creature.

{T}: Add {∞}.

{100}: Add one mana of any color.

Return target permanent to its owner's hand.

Gotcha -- If an opponent says a number, you may say "Gotcha!" When you do, return Number Crunch from your graveyard to your hand.

({T}: Add {W}.)

({T}: Add {W}.)

({T}: Add {W}.)

({T}: Add {W}.)

({T}: Add {W}.)

Destroy target nonartifact, nonland permanent that doesn't share a color with clothing worn by its controller.

Did you know this creature has flying?

Are you aware that any time you say something that isn't a question, when a player points out this fact first, they gain control of Question Elemental?

Whenever Red-Hot Hottie deals damage to a creature, put a third-degree-burn counter on that creature. It gains "At the beginning of each end step, sacrifice this creature unless you scream 'Aaah!' at the top of your lungs."

Rugged Highlands enters the battlefield tapped.

When Rugged Highlands enters the battlefield, you gain 1 life.

{T}: Add {R} or {G}.

Scoured Barrens enters the battlefield tapped.

When Scoured Barrens enters the battlefield, you gain 1 life.

{T}: Add {W} or {B}.

You and target opponent arm-wrestle. If you win, create a 3/3 green Ape creature token.

({T}: Add {B}.)

({T}: Add {B}.)

({T}: Add {B}.)

({T}: Add {B}.)

({T}: Add {B}.)

({T}: Add {B}.)

Swiftwater Cliffs enters the battlefield tapped.

When Swiftwater Cliffs enters the battlefield, you gain 1 life.

{T}: Add {U} or {R}.

Thornwood Falls enters the battlefield tapped.

When Thornwood Falls enters the battlefield, you gain 1 life.

{T}: Add {G} or {U}.

Tranquil Cove enters the battlefield tapped.

When Tranquil Cove enters the battlefield, you gain 1 life.

{T}: Add {W} or {U}.

Wind-Scarred Crag enters the battlefield tapped.

When Wind-Scarred Crag enters the battlefield, you gain 1 life.

{T}: Add {R} or {W}.