I actually have a story this time! I've been reading everyone else's for a while now and thought I should join in. This time: Simic Ramp gets what it deserved. Disclaimer: It's pretty long. Only read if you're in the mood for a good story.
First, let's set the scene:It was always going to be down to the nail. A three-player
free-for-all since the fourth person in our regular pod left early. Opponents ready their boards: Robert (fake name) is playing
Tovolar, Dire Overlord // Tovolar, the Midnight Scourge and Norbert (undoubtedly a fake name) decides on
Melek, Izzet Paragon. Melek is the least threatening out of the two: A card draw engine starring
Teferi's Ageless Insight and
The Royal Scions. He looks to win by draining opponents down with direct damage from spells like
Master the Way and a constant barrage of triggers from the likes of
Guttersnipe. Tovolar is a different beast entirely. A werewolf tribal deck best best described as a "savage beatdown", starring
Gratuitous Violence, Beserkers'
Onslaught, and all of Tovolar's most relentless Werewolf friends. Robert enjoys making full use of Tovolar's backside ability, using cards like
Druids' Repository to make his Werewolf army truly unstoppable.
And me? I have an upgraded
Aesi, Tyrant of Gyre Strait precon sitting around, and I don't usually play it. 2 reasons: It's kinda toxic and it's too competitive. Wincon: RAMP DRAW RAMP DRAW KRAKEN KRAKEN KRAKEN RAMP DRAW OOPSIE I WIPED YOUR BOARD RAMP RAMP OH AND NOW THEY'RE UNBLOCKABLE SUCKS TO BE YOU!
Told you it was salty. Strangely, it's also strong. Who knew? (NOTE: There's a hint of Salt Water Creature tribal in there, which I find very appropriate.)
Now, usually I play for fun. I value having a laugh over the ridiculous board states and politics that occur at a casual table over winning games competitively. Robert leans a little more into the competitive side, though, and as a result he usually wins and I usually lose.
But today, I decided,
since I've already pulled out the competitive deck, I might as well play to win. No conniving. No allegiances. No regard for human emotions, and
no mercy of any kind. I was not losing this time. My deck was capable of winning and I knew it.
And so the game begins.The
Sol Ring in my starting hand confirmed my thoughts. I was going for it and going hard. The dice, however, disagreed. Rolling D20s to determine turn order, Norbert wins, meaning I'm going last. When 2 lands have been played, it quickly rolls around me. I play
Forest into
Sol Ring. Robert gives me a look and Norbert looks panicked already.
It's working.
Come turn 2, both opponents have only played lands and I slap down a
Weaver of Currents. We can all feel the impending storm as Robert admits he kept his otherwise-garbage hand for a
Cultivate. Neither of us were sure what he was thinking with that decision. Come turn 3, Aesi's on the board, extra lands and card draw begin flying like it's some primeval food fight
festival as Tovolar draws into some creatures and Melek quickly gains
momentum with some token-makers.
From that point on, it was a good fight! All the decks matched up surprisingly well.
Talrand, Sky Summoner and
The Locust God supplied a steady stream of tokens on Norbert's side while Tovolar began to look intimidating with a
Kindred Summons throwing out a few big, scary werewolves. I'm sitting on my massive pile of mana with Aesi,
Jolrael, Mwonvuli Recluse, and a few other creatures on the field. Aesi's
Aqueous Form and my
Sol Ring get hit with a
Hull Breach on Tovolar's side, which is fair, considering that the opponents were on 5 and 10 commander damage already. The game continued for a couple more turns while I whittled away at their life totals, comfortable. One turn, I decide to get risky and use Jolrael's activated ability to pump my team to 6/6s and swing with everything. This was a calculated risk, though, and didn't come back to bite me, even though both opponents swung back with everything and left me at 20-something life on my next turn. I had everything under control.
I attempt to look unsuspicious, busying my turn with a lot of ramp, ramp, ramp. I have blockers in the air and on the ground, and I'm strategically planning my every move, controlling the board as best I can. Maximum damage output without dying is my goal, and it's working. I am definitely being ganged up on at this point, which is fair, considering my board and their low life totals. Robert swings with a lot of stuff. I chump-block with my
Arboreal Grazer and properly block with other things. I
wonder why he doesn't use Tovolar to trample over the Grazer, before realizing that he didn't play anything in his precombat main phase either. After combat, that's when he plays it.
Blasphemous Act. For a second, I
panic, desperately glancing at my hand to see if there's anything that could save my victory. And what do you know, my planning payed off. I'd been waiting on this
Counterspell for 4 turns now.
The look of victory turning to surprise
melting into
apathy on Robert's face was both satisfying and discomforting. Bad feels, man. But also... high five, past me. That was smooth.
Next turn, I play
Brinelin, the Moon Kraken and bounce Robert's 7/7. Then I count up my remaining mana and survey the toughness of creatures on the board. I tutor up one more
Island with a ramp spell, and Robert knows exactly what I'm doing. Norbert is sitting back with the same entertained look on his face that he's had the whole game. Good sport, I guess.
"Don't you dare play
Scourge of Fleets. If you play that thing, I'm conceding," Robert threatens.
I smile and play my
Scourge of Fleets, bouncing
literally everything they had. Norbert laughs and throws his hands in the air. Robert says something along the lines of "I'm packing up. I don't play against that
garbage" and proceeds to not play against this garbage. I felt kinda bad, but after attacks, they were both going to be dead on my next turn. Norbert doesn't give up. He's a sticky one, Norbert. He has a habit of staying in the game even when it's hopeless.
After attacks, Norbert is left on very little life, staring down a massive board and my life total of exactly 13. The unlucky number. How fitting. Robert wheels around to Norbert's side of the table to watch from his perspective, David against Goliath. For the most part, I know what they've got in their hand. Their entire board + their earlier hand. I'm not concerned. I lean back, confident in my win. Norbert, hopeless and waiting for death, plays
Thought Vessel and then
Master the Way targeting my face, which surprised me. Norbert draws a card, then counts up the cards in his hand. At first I was unworried, but as the count went up, 7, 8, 9, I began to
wonder. Could he have done it? Could he have 13 cards in hand? The count goes up 10, 11, 12 ... and then stops. The spell resolves. I'm on one life.
ONE. LIFE. He's got one red mana left. Desperately, Robert and Norbert realize that if they can squeak in one more point of damage, they can squeak take me down. So they starts looking around his hand. No creatures with haste. No direct damage spells for 1 mana. That's when they realize: If the
Thought Vessel was still in hand, they would have the 13 damage to kill me. We have an unspoken policy of letting people
undo misplays if no turn phases have been passed, and so it was that I watch in sadness as my victory slips away from me.
Master the Way was David's stone, and I was Goliath. The dead guy and the barely-alive one both grin with glee as I drop my hand on the table.
I was so close. But in the end, there's one moral to the story: Winning doesn't matter. Friends matter, fun matters, and not ruining people's day with a Simic value engine matters. The universe always puts me back in my place when I get a notion of competitiveness, and you know what? I think that's
a good thing.
Thank you for reading, I hope that was entertaining
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